The truth about recovery is that it is not pretty, perfect, or easy. It is never a straight line or a sudden epiphany and then everything falls into place afterwards and there is no more work. Truth is, recovery is sometimes painful, awful, and ugly. Even so, it is better than being sick because the days when it is not that way, which grow with each day in recovery, are beautiful and wonderful and there is so much to life that was not there before.
In my recovery, I have come to a rough patch. One of the biggest issues I face in my eating disorder and my recovery is my body image and right now it is at its absolute worst. All day my mind seems to filter everything through a "I'm fat" lens and that is the only thing that matters. It does not matter that something positive happened or that I am a good person because everything ends the same---I'm fat. The sky is blue and I am fat. I challenged myself today and I am proud of myself, but I am fat. Needless to say, these endless conversations in my head lead no where positive.
It feels as though these dark thoughts are suffocating me and there is no escape or air to breathe. I cannot run away from the thoughts in my head nor can I avoid what I see in the mirror. I am trapped from the inside and the outside, forced to face this and all the memories, pain, and despair that comes with it.
And am I ever terrified of myself and of the reflection staring at me when I look in the mirror. Despite it being only my body, it instills great fear, hatred, and pain. I put so much power into body image and what it holds for me since it is all I have ever known. That power continues to drive so much hatred towards my body.
A part of recovery and maintaining it, especially during times such as this, is knowing in your heart that this is temporary. However it works for you, reminding yourself as often as you need that it is only temporary. I continue to tell myself that this shall pass and that I have worked too hard to fail now and that is the truth. I may not be ready to embrace fully that I am beautiful or that I love my body, but at least I can say to myself that this shall pass and I can keep working on finding the beauty in myself.
Are you struggling with something in your recovery? Remember: This too shall pass. <3
Labels: Body Image, Eating Disorder, Recovery