A Struggle in Recovery

It has been a while since my last post, especially since my last eating disorder- or recovery-related post.  At times I have felt it inauthentic to write a recovery post.  Though I am still in recovery and going strong, I have come across some struggles as of late after some ED-related medical issues have come up.  These medical issues have made it difficult to stay focused because my mind wants to constantly focus on how I have "failed" in recovery or focus on my body image.

Body image has always been a struggle for me.  According to my team, I do not possess accurate assessments on how I look (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and it causes me great frustration and struggle.  Over time I have learned to trust in the assessment of my team through the removal and covering of mirrors, not weighing myself, and the minimal acceptance that my team may be correct.  Though it is not easy and, yes, I still question them all the time and come to periods where I bitch and moan about my body, it has helped and keeps me on track.

And then there are times like now where I break one of those "guidelines" I have for myself.  Last week after weeks of issues coming and going that were difficult that have made me focus my energy on my body because I refuse to engage in ED behaviors, I weighed myself.  Needless to say it was a bad idea.  It only amplified everything negative I was feeling.

Instead of turning to ED behaviors or other negative behaviors, I turned to what I know best to do in these situations: Basics of Recovery, doing one fun thing a day, and avoiding further triggers.  Knowing how sensitive I was, I made sure to take extra self-care of myself.  A few of the things I did were briefly avoided my scariest fear foods, which I am still working on even now; reached out to my friends though not always admitting what was going on; and avoided rumination as much as possible.  I also tried to keep myself busy but not too busy.  I went out and did things I enjoyed including the Farmer's Markets, a fair/parade, and a movie.

In recovery, we all have these moments where we struggle.  It is about coping with it, learning from it, and overcoming it.  Simply because you struggle does not make you weak or a failure (as I have continued to learn through my recovery).  Keep fighting.  Always keep fighting.  You are worth it, recovery is worth it.  Recovery is possible.

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